| [February 16 2004] |
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My Big Kung-Fu Fiance
My Big Muscly Kung-Fu Fiance: "Hi everyone. Thanks for being here, it's good to see you all. We have an important announcement to make tonight. In three days time, this beautiful drunk woman will become my wife on national television. Ha ha. I am strange. That's the comedy angle. Ha ha. You all hate me because she is gorgeous and I am not. But I am a fearsome fighter. Yo."
All: "No!"
Manhattan Transfer: vomits copiously.
Maccers: "Fucking hell! Someone give me a diet pill. I'm confused."
Eurotrash's Dead Mother: "Well I won't be there! I'm dead!"
Eurotrash's Un-dead Father: "I never liked her much anyway. And I have a ski trip planned. So, like, whatever."
Eurotrash: "But I need a million dollars! I have an expensive hair habit. Love me. I love you. I speak fluent Platitude. Blah blah blah respect blah blah blah family tradition, blah blah blah, I need your support and commitment, blah blah blah I have read self-help books, blah blah blah I crave attention and a million dollars, blah blah blah, my name is Randi so I am obviously stupid, blah blah fucking blah, now I'm going to cry, blah blah blah."
My Big Muscly Kung-Fu Fiance: "I can set light to my own farts ha ha ha ha ha! I am crayzee guy."
Eurotrash: "Everyone thinks I'm a loony, but I love him with a fierce passion. Even if he is obviously deranged and weird."
My Big Muscly Kung-Fu Fiance: "Look! Here's my arse! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!"
Eurotrash's Dead Mother: "Hmmmm. He's cute. I think it's a lovematch. But I am dead so my opinion carries less weight around here. Also, I used to be a stripper, so I am morally worthless. Yo."
Manhattantransfer: Vomits copiously.
Maccers: "Is he rich? Can he score good drugs? I care. I do. I care. Lots. About lots of stuff. Like unnecessary Badger hunting. I am deep."
Eurotrash: "I read a book once. I have glossy hair. Love me!"
All: "No! You are a ditzy self-regarding attention-whore!"
Eurotrash: "Hmmm. You got me there. Shit."
Posted by eurotrash at 10:43 pm |
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[Comments count: 48] |
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1: Those Brits unfortunate enough not to be able to watch FOX won't get that. The multi-cultural reference thing is a bitch, isn't it?
Posted by fridgemagnet at 10:46 pm on 02.16.04 |
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2: Funnu unfi; i readd frigemahnetss connenr ,i tnoight i gor it buut tten i am drnk/
Posted by the spear carrier at 10:55 pm on 02.16.04 |
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3: I can't help you now. Perhaps if you switched to thorazine, though...
Posted by Sigmund Freud's Ghost at 10:57 pm on 02.16.04 |
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4: I only have three readers in Britain. The other five come from the USA and Bangladesh. So, whatEVAH.......
Posted by Eurotrash at 10:57 pm on 02.16.04 |
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5: I see I will have to pimp you harder. Harder, I say.
Posted by fridgemagnet at 11:19 pm on 02.16.04 |
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6: Give it to me, big boy. Just don't tell my fake fiance. Or the INS.
Posted by Eurotrash at 11:36 pm on 02.16.04 |
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7: If you can fake being a transvestite crack ho, I would be more than happy to represent you as you ply your wares on my little corner here in the Meatpacking District.
And I will only take a 100% cut. Not a pfennig more.
Posted by Jellyguy at 12:58 am on 02.17.04 |
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8: "Fake fiance"? Nooooo! I wanted to fake marry you! Now who on Earth am I going to share all this coke with? (Sadly, my stash is fake too.)
Oh well. Where are you fake registered?
Posted by rasputin at 1:35 am on 02.17.04 |
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9: Hey, I used to be a stripper and I have morals. They may be loose but they're here somewhere (moves empty bottles and cig packs, brushes off dust). Ah here they are.
Posted by happygirl at 1:53 am on 02.17.04 |
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10: hmmn well, you kept some surplus baggage, I travel light
Posted by Eurotrash's dead mother at 3:35 am on 02.17.04 |
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11: Sadly this British-based reader is indeed deprived of the marvel that is FOX. But nevermind, I sort of get it. Possibly.
Posted by Liadnan at 8:53 am on 02.17.04 |
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12: you really ought to think about hosting your own talk show.
Posted by snowy at 10:54 am on 02.17.04 |
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13: What an excellent idea. "Joe Ninja." Some tart is courted by a group of several dozen masked ninjas. When the big moment comes and it's time to unmask, she finds out instead that instead of a wedding it's a fight-to-the-death cagematch with the one she picked, and then she has to marry all the rest of them. See, I'd watch TV if they had shit like that.
Posted by Toast Control at 11:08 am on 02.17.04 |
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14: Your book deal frustration is showing. If you don't get something soon you might explode.
favorite line: "I speak fluent Platitude." Did you come up with that one?
Posted by Chris at 12:03 pm on 02.17.04 |
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15: Yes. Unless I got it from those Aliens who kidnapped me in Arizona once.
Posted by Eurotrash at 12:12 pm on 02.17.04 |
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16: If it had been aliens from Arizona most likely it would have come out "hablo tópico con sultura."
Posted by Toast Control at 12:21 pm on 02.17.04 |
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17: You'd think that. But a side-effect of the alien anal probe was the inexplicable subsequent removal of my ability to speak Spanish. I can still say "ashtray" in Polish, though.
Posted by Eurotrash at 12:25 pm on 02.17.04 |
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18: seriously, give me my fucking money, bitch.
Posted by your dealer at 12:47 pm on 02.17.04 |
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19: HEY EVERYONE THIS WEBSITE IS REALLY COOL, I LIKE ALL THE DIRTY JOKES EXCEPT MY MOM SAYS THAT I SHOULD AVOID CRACK DEALERS BUT I TELL HER IT IS JUST A JOKE. I'M HAVING A PARTY ON SATURDAY LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT TO COME EUROTRASH YUR COOL.
Posted by Tween #1 at 12:58 pm on 02.17.04 |
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20: At last. Someone weirder than me posts here.
Posted by Eurotrash at 1:00 pm on 02.17.04 |
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21: WOW EUROTRASH CALLED ME WIERD I AM SO COOL! LET ME TXT MESSAGE MY FRIENDS AND I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. WOW!
Posted by Tween #1 at 1:13 pm on 02.17.04 |
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22: hey Tween #1, round up your even cooler(!) and weirder(!!) buddies and get them to post here. there's nothing we like more than free cocaine(!!!) and tweenage girls(!!!!)
Posted by krucoff at 1:19 pm on 02.17.04 |
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23: You're a compulsive liar, ET! 1-646-646-64646 doesn't work either. What the heck? Why do you not trust your readers? I bet you make up Commenters, too!
Posted by Anonymous hobbit at 1:20 pm on 02.17.04 |
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24: O...KAY KRUCOFF. LET ME ASK MY MOM FIRST, YOU DON'T SOUND LIKE, AS COOL AS EUROTRASH. BRB. L8R.
Posted by Tween #1 at 1:22 pm on 02.17.04 |
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25: O.....KAY.
Tween is now officially five minutes ago.
B--
Next?
Posted by Eurotrash at 1:24 pm on 02.17.04 |
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26: hey Tween #1, round up your even cooler(!) and weirder(!!) buddies and get them to post here. there's nothing we like more than free cocaine(!!!) and tweenage girls(!!!!)
Posted by krucoff at 1:24 pm on 02.17.04 |
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27: Krucoff's identity is revealed - It's Michael Jackson!
(Or R Kelly? Slow your roll, homeslice. The exclamation points are taking your comments captive.)
Posted by enlightened reader at 1:25 pm on 02.17.04 |
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29: fuck, what a delayed double post. c'mon, that must extend tween#1 for 5 minutes. pleeeeaase??!
Posted by krucoff at 1:25 pm on 02.17.04 |
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31: I think coke induces short attention spans. Must study this phenonmenon further.
Posted by By "Next" at 1:27 pm on 02.17.04 |
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32: Not bad, "Next".
B+ for mentioning drugs, and implying they are not cool, and therefore nor am I.
But you missed out: "URSTUPIDDYKEBITCH!" and "FAT!" and "TALENTLESS". Also, "WHORE". And "DRIVEL".
Posted by Eurotrash at 1:29 pm on 02.17.04 |
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33: michael jackson? r kelly?? am i black?? can i sing???? awesome! but can i use any more mutha-fuckin question marks?????
Posted by krucoff at 1:32 pm on 02.17.04 |
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34: I couldn't believe this post, so I sat and read through the past, oh, well, several. Never in all my life have I encountered such unimportant, narcissistic, egotistical drivel as I have here. Talk about self-serving id-mania.
*BUT* - it's really well written drivel. You're not unintelligent, and certainly not uncreative. You are just a poor sot whose focus is on the most inane and exceedingly unimportant rot life has to offer. Were you to refocus your efforts on what really, REALLY matters in life - your emotions, your feelings, your philosophies and, most of all, your ease in succumbing to the most base, pretentious, shallow, self-serving, idiotic childish crappola that is your fashion-oriented, better-than-thou lifestyle, whom no one but another self-styled snob would apreciate, you might not only discover that the common man would not only be thrilled to read and enter discourse upon your life, but you could possibly have the soul-revealing experience that YOU are - brace yourself, this is going to hurt - COMMON.
Welcome back to the fold, love. Now take off that stupid looking dress and flush the coke, you don't need it.
Posted by OMG at 1:34 pm on 02.17.04 |
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35: A Fucking Plus Plus, OMG baby. No gold star, though, because it's a repeat. But still classy after all these years.
Posted by Eurotrash at 1:35 pm on 02.17.04 |
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36: PMS week?
Posted by By "Next" at 1:37 pm on 02.17.04 |
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38: seriously ET, you are the Jerry Springer of the worldwideinternetweb(TM). i suggest you go forth and begin your money-making schemes at once. exploit this talent!
Posted by snowy at 1:52 pm on 02.17.04 |
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39: A Eurotrash post results in a comments section reminiscent of a murder scene. So much bot desperation staining the walls.
I can almost smell the anticipation as they lie in wait for the next command from their wizened leader.
Who is not really English.
Posted by sac at 4:14 pm on 02.17.04 |
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40: Today's random Google search hits: "Death fisting", "Fish in cunt", and the rather charming: "Embarrassment while nurse cleaning my penis".
Enjoy!
Posted by Eurotrash at 4:47 pm on 02.17.04 |
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41: That's not how it happened.
Posted by Oberserved at 5:58 pm on 02.17.04 |
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42: That's not how it happened.
Posted by Oberserved at 6:09 pm on 02.17.04 |
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43: When you refer to your father as "undead" do you mean to say that he is some sort of a ghoul or vampire?
Posted by Oberserved at 6:12 pm on 02.17.04 |
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44: Yes.
Posted by Eurotrash at 6:14 pm on 02.17.04 |
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45: y'know, a really neat way to read this website is to imagine that one person is writing all of these posts in different personaes. then imagine this person pushing a rusty pathmark shopping cart filled with rubbish yelling these things to herself. but she has a really cool haircut and a nice rack.
by the way, the best way to avoid being mugged in fort greene as you walk home from schermerhorn would be to memorize any of these threads and sing them to yourself in different voices.
why am i writing this?
don't answer that.
Posted by angelo at 6:55 pm on 02.17.04 |
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46: Angelo speaks da truth.
It's all me. Mememememememememe. The rest of you fuckers are just jagged shards of my imagination.
Posted by Eurotrash at 8:24 pm on 02.17.04 |
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47: I secede from this unholy schizophrenic union! Abe Lincoln can kiss my hairy ass!
Now I just need to ask your dad where he found the spare body.
Posted by Jellyguy at 1:44 am on 02.18.04 |
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48: FridgeMagnet's pimp hand is strong
Posted by Ron Mwangaguhunga at 2:47 pm on 02.20.04 |
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