1: However, the stilted tone makes this a perfect piece to read aloud in one's best Robin Leach or Alan Wicker voice. S' fun!

Posted by rhorsman at 10:26 am on 03.24.04

2: There is no spoon.

Posted by turbulent priest at 10:39 am on 03.24.04

3: Heh. I just re-read the entire piece as Alan Wicker. You're right, rhorsman, that was top fun.

Posted by eurotrash at 10:43 am on 03.24.04

4: Dear Eurotrash,
I'd rather read a first draft of a halfway decent novel masquerading as resturaunt criticism than an incoherent Limey takedown of someone everyone agreed to hate a long time ago. I'm a big fan of your vitriol, but it seems misspent here.

Posted by fan at 10:58 am on 03.24.04

5: Hey, don't hold back there, ET. Tell us what you really think. For my money the perfect American - the guy I aspire to be - is Barry Corbin. He eats sissy NYT writers for brunch.

Posted by Sterling at 11:04 am on 03.24.04

6: A friend:

(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in "you"
(C)alls you just to say "HI"
(D)oesn't give up on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust "be" with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever Judges
(O)ffer support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U)nderstands you
(V)alues you
(W)alks beside you
(X)-plains thing you don't understand
(Y)ells when you won't listen and
(Z)aps you back to reality

Bless you, Fan. You have brought meaning back to my life. Hugs!

Posted by eurotrash at 11:04 am on 03.24.04

7: Dear Eurotrash,
I loved it. I know too many people who say things like "a splash of acidity makes it an affable partner to the food". I get a sore throat because I hold myself back from saying "Shut up, Shut Up, Shut UP!"

Posted by someoneSomewhere at 11:08 am on 03.24.04

8: amuse-nez?

Posted by at 11:12 am on 03.24.04

9: hahahaha. I just went to read the review...hahahaha. She needs some sense knocked into her. Oh my god.

Posted by someoneSomewhere at 11:15 am on 03.24.04

10: Fucking excellent ET. I think we need to petition for you to be the new Times restautant critic. You would be fucking excellent and I could do the fish bits for you.

We need to stamp out crap. This, obviously though, is my favourite thing that you have written apart from the champagne corks popping:

There is sometimes a dreadfully earnest, ponderous style to the New York intelligentsia. You see it in the writing and you hear it when they discuss worthy matters in a worthy tone. As the conversation shifts to the philospohical paradigm de jour, so do their voices. New York writers do not discuss. They declaim at each other, they intone, like Roman senators addressing the forum. Then their voices go back to normal when they pop out to buy a sandwich.

Maybe then we can remove the forks from our eyes.

Posted by maccers at 11:19 am on 03.24.04

11: I always ignore restaurant reviews for places that don't have 99 cent value meals. Um, because I'm poor. (Three packs of cigarettes a day renders me incapable of tasting anything anyway -- it also explains why I can't afford food, too.)

Posted by rasputin at 11:23 am on 03.24.04

12: you are dangerously treading on lockhart steele's below14th territory. leave the food business to the gormands and stick to the fry-ups.

Posted by krucoff at 11:26 am on 03.24.04

13: i don't know of this lockhart steele but krucoff might have a point. this review of a review is the proverbial shit in everyone's morning bowl of corn flakes.

Posted by OFOTC at 11:34 am on 03.24.04

14: Dearest Trashie: What's a "codswallop"? Does it have anything to do with sex with dogs? How (or why) does one have an epiphany in a restaurant? Can one? It's all too much to take in. The review? Oh, you're right about that; it was shit, no doubt. But perfectly harmless in its own tasteless, humorless, extemely strained pseudo-intellectual New York City way. Those of us who live in Washington, D.C., certainly look down on pretentious, egomaniacal people who speak in arch tones on subjects they know nothing about, posture shamelessly, dissemble habitually, and generally behave superficially. We're a much higher form of humanity here, you see. Anyway, I do enjoy the New Yorker movie reviews.

Posted by Michael at 11:36 am on 03.24.04

15: ......any foods that cannot be consumed off the transmission tunnel of my IROC while I'm doing 80 and rocking out to "freebird" ain't worth putting shirt and shoes on for......

Posted by redneck at 11:37 am on 03.24.04

16: the proverbial shit in everyone's morning bowl of corn flakes

Also eaten with a spoon

Posted by Kanoonoo at 11:39 am on 03.24.04

17: Main Entry: cods·wal·lop
Pronunciation: 'kodz-"wä-l&p, 'kädz-
Function: noun
Etymology: origin unknown
British : NONSENSE

Posted by eurotrash at 11:39 am on 03.24.04

18: codswallop

Posted by Kanoonoo at 11:42 am on 03.24.04

19: Dearest Trashie: What's a "codswallop"? Does it have anything to do with sex with dogs? How (or why) does one have an epiphany in a restaurant? Can one? It's all too much to take in. The review? Oh, you're right about that; it was shit, no doubt. But perfectly harmless in its own tasteless, humorless, extemely strained pseudo-intellectual New York City way. Those of us who live in Washington, D.C., certainly look down on pretentious, egomaniacal people who speak in arch tones on subjects they know nothing about, posture shamelessly, dissemble habitually, and generally behave superficially. We're a much higher form of humanity here, you see. Anyway, I do enjoy the New Yorker movie reviews.

Posted by Michael at 11:42 am on 03.24.04

20: There's hope for me yet!

Posted by Evil Anonymous Double Poster at 11:43 am on 03.24.04

21: "Blah, blah, I don't know any famous bloggers like Lockhart Steele, blah, blah, but if Krucoff is insulting you, I am all for it! Blah, blah and stuff."

Posted by FakeOTOFC at 11:46 am on 03.24.04

22: Hilarious. You should get paid. See, I'm not a smart-ass 24/7.

Posted by sac at 11:48 am on 03.24.04

23: Hilarious. You should get paid. See, I'm not a smart-ass 24/7.

Posted by sac at 11:49 am on 03.24.04

24: Sorry for the duplicate posting. And thanks ever so much to all for the definition. Incidentally, Euro & I will be honeymooning in Duluth in April, but she will resume posting in May. Wish us well. True love will out.

Posted by Michael at 12:01 pm on 03.24.04

25: Rockin.

Posted by Evil Anonymous Double Poster at 12:02 pm on 03.24.04

26: Duluth sounds fun.

Posted by redneck at 12:04 pm on 03.24.04

27: yo, redneck buddy, get your own handle........

Posted by redneck at 12:11 pm on 03.24.04

28: ...reaches for whoopass can opener......

Posted by redneck at 12:12 pm on 03.24.04

29: All these 2 and 3 star places have their dirty little secrets...like they way they treat minorities who have dark skins and lack caucasian features...those guys end up in restaurant Siberia near the kitchen or wait staff staging area. Or their funny sounding last names dinner reservations get lost...

Posted by Tom at 12:15 pm on 03.24.04

30: Does anybody really READ the NYT anymore? I thought pretentious uptown poo-nanies just carried it under their exema-ridden armpit to prove their Ivy-League-edumacated intellectual status.

I like how she ends off with "There's more to say, but no room to write it". Kind of like the freak in a loony bin, writing in her own blood on the walls, the floors, the ceiling until there is "no room to write it."

Amanda Hesser needs to be assfucked by the crew of the USS Nimitz. In parallel.

Posted by Jellyguy at 12:17 pm on 03.24.04

31: My apologies. Just trying to stir up our budding tourism industry.

Posted by Mayor of Duluth at 12:18 pm on 03.24.04

32: You may have columnists who declaim at one another, but we have Julie Burchill over here still...

Posted by Liadnan at 12:18 pm on 03.24.04

33: I hate rednecks blah blah. I'm hilarious blah blah 24/7 blah blah.

Posted by FakeOTOFC at 12:21 pm on 03.24.04

34: If Below 14th and the women from the Weakest Link (what ever happened to her, by the way? hmm.) had a child it would be...

Eurotrash.

Genuinely funny. I could read stuff like this from you everyday. Kind of like Henrietta Stackpole doing Science Fiction Theater for the New York publishing world. I'm hungover.

Posted by blubox at 12:22 pm on 03.24.04

35: You may be incredulous, but Comment # 33 was by the real OTOFC, not FakeOTOFC.

Notice the characteristic scattershot attacks at multiple victims.

Posted by FakeOTOFC at 12:28 pm on 03.24.04

36: Plus, his buttons are so easy to push.
For example:

OTOFC -
"Hey, look at me, I have a new blog which will document my hatred of a random NYC blogger. Wow, am I not the coolest MF you have ever met?"

Posted by FakeOTOFC at 12:29 pm on 03.24.04

37: what's a button?

Posted by RealFakeRealRealFakeOTOFC at 12:31 pm on 03.24.04

38: Peace, perfect peace, is the gift of Christ our Lord,
Peace, perfect peace, is the gift of Christ our Lord.
Thus, says the Lord, will the world know my friends,
Peace, perfect peace, is the gift of Christ our Lord.

Hope, perfect hope, is the gift of Christ our Lord,
Hope, perfect hope, is the gift of Christ our Lord.
Thus, says the Lord, will the world know my friends,
Hope, perfect hope, is the gift of Christ our Lord.

Joy, perfect joy, is the gift of Christ our Lord,
Joy, perfect joy, is the gift of Christ our Lord.
Thus, says the Lord, will the world know my friends,
Joy, perfect joy, is the gift of Christ our Lord.

Time for a hug, people!

Posted by eurotrash at 12:37 pm on 03.24.04

39: stop the presses and the buttons people!! enough already. none of this makes sense or is remotely humorous. ignore the OFOTCs and they go away.

now let's get back to food. ET, when are you gonna make something nice for me besides sauteed mushrooms that i can review with the splendor of american language?

Posted by krucoff at 12:38 pm on 03.24.04

40: OFOTC, lets go, outside now....you're next FakeOTOFC

Posted by redneck at 12:44 pm on 03.24.04

41: whoa...you getting mushrooms from someone else now, damn

Posted by your dealer at 12:45 pm on 03.24.04

42: Did I mention we have 133 acres of parks?

Posted by Mayor of Duluth at 12:49 pm on 03.24.04

43: Chill, Mr Dealer, sir. They were only portobello.

Posted by eurotrash at 12:49 pm on 03.24.04

44: Ha. "The English Language" - you can go to hell.

Krucoff says I've got splendor, baby.

Posted by The American Language at 12:56 pm on 03.24.04

45: yeah, it starts with Portobello, then we move up to magic Mushrooms, then a bit of dope, then some coke....no one is taking over as your supplier until you've cleared down that third world debt also know as your tab.........and no you can't have generic

Posted by your dealer at 1:01 pm on 03.24.04

46: Mi amore: Uh, I'm all for "peace, perfect peace," but I am Jewish, so the rest of it is kind of lost on me. Of course I'm not really all riled up, so ... no matter.

Posted by Michael at 1:03 pm on 03.24.04

47: This is fucking hilarious. My favorite new blog. We need more writers like you in the mainstream.

Posted by Mike at 1:10 pm on 03.24.04

48: A Sabbath hymn of peace for Michael.


Shalom Aleichem, malachei ha-sharet, malachei Elyon, miMelech malchei ham'lachim, HaKadosh Baruch Hu

Bo-achem l'shalom, malachei ha-shalom, malachei Elyon, miMelech malchei ham'lachim, HaKadosh Baruch Hu.

Bar'chuni l'shalom, malachei hashalom, malachei Elyon, miMelech malchei ham'lachim, HaKadosh Baruch Hu.

Tzeit'chem l'shalom, malachei ha-shalom, malachei Elyon, miMelech malchei ham'lachim, HaKadosh Baruch Hu.



[Peace upon you, O ministering angels, angels of the Exalted One - from the King who reigns over kings, the Holy One, Blessed is He.

May your coming be for peace, O angels of peace, angels of the Exalted One - from the King Who reigns over kings, the Holy One, Blessed is He.

Bless me for peace, O angels of peace, angels of the Exalted One - from the King Who reigns over kings, the Holy One, Blessed is He.

May your departure be to peace, O angels of peace, angels of the Exalted One - from the King Who reigns over kings, the Holy One, Blessed is He.]

We are nothing if not multi-demoninational on this site.

Posted by eurotrash at 1:15 pm on 03.24.04

49: here we go, put your splashguards on everyone. it's time for the daily jerking-off onto ET's magnifico rack!! me first!!! or hell, i'll go 100th. still fun.

Posted by OFOTC at 1:16 pm on 03.24.04

50: Cara mia,

You know Hebrew? Unbelievable! I'm getting more and more impressed. That's always dangerous, because I frequently fall in love immediately after impressed. Anyway, thanks so much for the lovely greeting. It was a very sweet thing to do. Maybe I'll have to overcome my antitobacco thing, after all. Or perhaps we can always be one spiritually. Reading NYT restaurant reviews together ... online.

Posted by Michael at 1:35 pm on 03.24.04

51: I grew up sort of Jewish. It's a long story.

Posted by eurotrash at 1:36 pm on 03.24.04

52: "Humourless. Pretentious. Smug."

Also arch. But not witty. Or cute.

This is the woman who named her boyfriend "Mr. Latte" and thought it made her just so perky and adorable, as if she were the fifth cast member of "Sex and the City." In fact, she's just a little girl playing dress-up. Only one woman (since Julia Child) can write of food as sex, and that's Nigella Lawson. (Lucky bastard Saatchi)

Glad to have you in Hoboken. You class up the jernt.

Posted by ronbo at 1:45 pm on 03.24.04

53: "Humourless. Pretentious. Smug."

Also arch. But not witty. Or cute.

This is the woman who named her boyfriend "Mr. Latte" and thought it made her just so perky and adorable, as if she were the fifth cast member of "Sex and the City." In fact, she's just a little girl playing dress-up. Only one woman (since Julia Child) can write of food as sex, and that's Nigella Lawson. (Lucky bastard Saatchi)

Glad to have you in Hoboken. You class up the jernt.

Posted by ronbo at 1:46 pm on 03.24.04

54: Liebste,

You are becoming a serious threat to my equilibrium. One day you will tell the long story, I hope.

Posted by Michael at 1:47 pm on 03.24.04

55: Man, I'm busy today.

Posted by Evil Anonymous Double Poster at 1:48 pm on 03.24.04

56: But my timing is shit.

Posted by Evil Anonymous Double Poster at 1:48 pm on 03.24.04

57: I read this as coming from Stewie (Family Guy) - "a spoon, Amanda?" just keeps repeating in my head.

Posted by no one at 2:05 pm on 03.24.04

58: this comments thread is turning my brain to mush.

Posted by snowy at 2:09 pm on 03.24.04

59: The mush is eaten with a spoon.

Posted by OneFlewOverTheCock at 2:13 pm on 03.24.04

60: Thank you, so much for that. "Thumbing the thesaurus" is my new favorite masturbation idiom.

Posted by Jessica at 2:17 pm on 03.24.04

61: no one: classic.

Posted by Jellyguy at 2:24 pm on 03.24.04

62: Thank you, thank you for making me laugh so hard.

Not sure if you've ever read the Hoboken Reporter but I imagine you'd have a field day with their restaurant reviews. You're not going to get phrases like "olfactory amuse-bouche" but you will get little nuggets of Peewee Herman-esque brilliance like, "The pear tart was very pear-y." (I wish I was kidding.) Good for shits and giggles anyway...

Posted by sovietblockparty at 3:01 pm on 03.24.04

63: What the hell, I'm going to come to Amanda's defense a little here. First of all, isn't snarking about food writing sort of like shooting fish in a barrel? Yes, yes, the whole Mr. Latte & barrettes persona can grate, but the fact is that Hesser actually knows a hell of a lot about food - it's her job, after all. And there are a lot more things a lot more obnoxious to take too seriously than food.
I'm a little embarrrassed to admit it, but I actually kind of sort of know Amanda, a little, and you know what? She really IS nice, and smart, and not at all snotty. Whereas most of the people on this thread, I'm sure I would die laughing with at a dinner party, but in the end I fear I would drop dead of a misdirected dose of vitriol poisoning.

Posted by Amanda apologist at 3:14 pm on 03.24.04

64: Hear! Hear!

Posted by Sir Tim Berners-Lee at 3:20 pm on 03.24.04

65: This "Eurotrash" person is filth.

Posted by Martha Stewart at 3:21 pm on 03.24.04

66: You got room to talk, honey. Give it a couple years in the slammer.

Posted by Rosie O'Donnell at 3:26 pm on 03.24.04

67: Eurotrash, you rock!! Don't listen to increasingly-pathetic Martha. & you are right on about the article - when I read it this morning I thought it must be a parody or something, it was so ridiculous. & I love your ** de Jour stories. Just one little note: it should really be DU jour. I hope you write another one soon.

Posted by Femme Fatale at 3:30 pm on 03.24.04

68: ET, here's some material for tomorrow.

"Mercutia" left the below post on your backup-blog at 1:27 AM today. I think she misses the bus. often.
-----------------------------

Oh my God, does that mean the hilarious "Take It Like A Man, Legolas" post is forever lost to us?

'I, personally, LOVED the LOTR movies/books. But I also love a good laugh, and you're too damn funny not to enjoy. I love the Fellowship--and I can see every single thing you said about them, too. Heh.

Any chance of a repost?/wistful'
mercutia | Email | 03.24.04 - 1:27 am | #

Posted by turbulent priest at 3:31 pm on 03.24.04

69: You have performed a service. I have loathed Amanda Hesser's writing since her sickening "Mr. Latte" articles in the Times Magazine. (Her Spice Market review is not an aberration. Everything she writes is like that.) So precious, so show-offy, so worthy of evisceration.

Posted by Grateful at 3:37 pm on 03.24.04

70: Oh, and dude, if you want to let loose on pretentious over-privileged food writing, DUDE, the fucking New York Times Magazine is the place for you!!!! If you hated Amanda Hesser's pieces in that estimable publication, you should read the shit they're printing now. The first sentence of one recently was, "I have two kitchens." And then the guy proceed to talk about his two beautiful kitchens (one in Manhattan, one in the Hamptons, I believe) for like 5,000 words! AAAAUGH!

Posted by Amanda Apologist at 3:43 pm on 03.24.04

71: Ooh, Michael, stay away from my ET! I'm the one who loves her.

"I bet she's really nice." This is very, very ET.

My shoes are crap, too. See? We have bonded.

And I love weird restaurant reviews. I love wine descriptions. And I love the reviews of the reviews. It's FUN.

Posted by Mrs. Gwendolyn Post at 3:49 pm on 03.24.04

72: I'm surprised the NYT found those dangling participles fit to print.

Has this blog become the new Round Table?

Posted by Lux at 4:12 pm on 03.24.04

73: No blood for oil.

Posted by The Nigerian at 4:32 pm on 03.24.04

74: Inventamos la lengua española.

Posted by The Spaniard at 4:33 pm on 03.24.04

75: So, again I ask; busy this weekend?

Posted by lassie at 4:34 pm on 03.24.04

76: I say, did someone call a round table?

Posted by Galahad at 4:35 pm on 03.24.04

77: Michael
Back off sweet chops
Ms. Gwendolyn Post and I are going outside to bitch slap each other with our substandard footwear until one of us wins the heart of la Marchioness Trash of Hampstead. There is no room in this epic love story for you. You appear too cultured for la Trash in any case. She has a subtle hint of corruption, too ripe for the likes of you. Nothing personal you understand…

Posted by Samphire at 4:37 pm on 03.24.04

78: This blog is the new Pizza Hut.

Posted by sac at 4:39 pm on 03.24.04

79: Amanda, I am sure, wrote for the Peterman Catalogue before it went away with the 90's and Jerry Seinfeld.

Posted by Stuart Kaufman at 4:42 pm on 03.24.04

80: Jayzubs - the comments have gotten so fucking lame. I'm embarrassed for you people, fawning with a dash of stalking is so unbecoming.

Posted by Buckaroo Feng Shui at 4:43 pm on 03.24.04

81: (not all of you, just the fawning stalking ones)

Posted by Buckaroo Feng Shui at 4:43 pm on 03.24.04

82: I had a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch today.

Posted by Eurotrash at 4:45 pm on 03.24.04

83: that's nice.

Posted by anonymous hobbit at 4:51 pm on 03.24.04

84: Us fawning stalkers like to stalk our fawn in a post modern ironic kinda way…does that make it better?

Posted by deer stalker at 5:00 pm on 03.24.04

85: I understand ET likes a fawning stalker or two between meals

Posted by sycophanty at 5:02 pm on 03.24.04

86: Slow down here, people. Euro is promised to me.

I remember exactly when it happened. It was immediately after the act of love. We were enjoying the warm afterglow of our glorious rapture when she turned to me and said: "I cannot possibly live without you. You are my everything, my heart, my soul, my very essence."

So I said: "Hey, babe, ya got any cold pizza?"

And we've been together ever since.

Posted by Michael at 5:11 pm on 03.24.04

87: Looks like the bot factory went on a Viagra+meth binge today.

And no one makes a grilled cheese sandwich like the Jelly. NO ONE.

Posted by Jellyguy at 5:13 pm on 03.24.04

88: Jelly: Well, Viagra. And a little Metamucil for after.

Posted by Michael at 5:16 pm on 03.24.04

89: You comments are completely accurate, ET. I read the review and kept asking, HOW THE FUCK IS THE FOOD, BITCH? When she gets to the food, she gets lost and waxes about lighting and the waiter's outfit instead.

Shit, she could make WeightWatchers frozen food sound like a gourmet experience. At least you can recycle the paper the shitty review is written on.

Of course, no offense, NYT author. Ditch Roget's and cutesy references. They make your writing tiring to read. Really. Try to be yourself.

Posted by bababoom at 5:53 pm on 03.24.04

90: I suppose post-modern ironic fawing is acceptable (albeit, like, soooo last tuesday).

Posted by Lickspittle Truckerhat at 6:03 pm on 03.24.04

91: It works for me.

Posted by Eurotrash at 6:08 pm on 03.24.04

92: Let's ride this bitch into six digits, kids!

Posted by Sterling at 6:41 pm on 03.24.04

93: (Or at least three digits, anyway.)

Posted by Sterling at 6:42 pm on 03.24.04

94: Yeah baby, take it all the way, where is OFOTC when we need his burbling…

Posted by The Enumerator at 7:00 pm on 03.24.04

95: wow. my first imitator showed up today. this pleases me, i think we should celebrate. rohypnol for all the ladies, and viagra chased with speedballs for me mates! arrrr.

i read this lovely evisceration while coming down from a three-day mescaline binge, and i can't seem to get the image of et weilding a blood-soaked sword -- her heaving (magnifico) bosom covered in amanda-gore, bits of brain, scraps of couture and the odd manolo heel strap -- out of my head. frankly, i'm a bit titillated.

Posted by your dealer at 7:15 pm on 03.24.04

96: wow. my first imitator showed up today. this pleases me, i think we should celebrate. rohypnol for all the ladies, and viagra chased with speedballs for me mates! arrrr.

i read this lovely evisceration while coming down from a three-day mescaline binge, and i can't seem to get the image of et weilding a blood-soaked sword -- her heaving (magnifico) bosom covered in amanda-gore, bits of brain, scraps of couture and the odd manolo heel strap -- out of my head. frankly, i'm a bit titillated.

Posted by your dealer at 7:15 pm on 03.24.04

97: Too easy.

Posted by Evil Anonymous Double Poster at 7:19 pm on 03.24.04

98: EADP?

Posted by Jellyguy at 7:27 pm on 03.24.04

99: dammit. nothing worse than getting a misspelling caught in EADP's nefarious vortex.

Posted by your dealer at 7:29 pm on 03.24.04

100: She needs an affable blood orange mojito shoved up her barrette-loving ass.

Posted by Sucking on Mr. Latte at 7:31 pm on 03.24.04

101: whatever happened to alan wicker? - just to get things back on topic...

Posted by EB at 7:37 pm on 03.24.04

102: Wooohooooo......

Posted by Woohooooooo at 7:48 pm on 03.24.04

103: Blah blah blah...... standards of commenting are going down around here ......blah blah blah ...... yourallgay .....blah blah blah..... ET isn't funny any more ...... Go home USTUPIDDYKEBITCH ..... blah blah blah ......

Will that do for now? Only I'm running a bit late.

Posted by Someone Has To Say It Every Ev at 8:25 pm on 03.24.04

104: You forgot to call her "fat" and "lame" and "talentless".

But it will have to do for now.

Posted by IHEARTLEGOLAS at 8:27 pm on 03.24.04

105: go home everyone, show's over. you're in my way. i'm here to clean the cum from the seats and floor in this damn theatre. it's a terrible job but she pays me in blowjobs.

Posted by OFOTC at 8:38 pm on 03.24.04

106: I wish to atone for my sins and give a more realistic account of my life. I fear that you may have got the wrong impression of me, really I am very down to earth, as can be clearly seen from this piece I have nearly finished about eating lunch in the gritty surrounds of the NYT.

“I walked into The Kitchen. A cockroach scuttled up obsequiously and showed me to the sink. The décor was beyond Grease, it was pure Sleaze. I loved it; it sent a shiver up my perfectly exfoliated spine. The microwave door yawned. I opened my Super Noodles languorously, reveling in the olfactory delight of the MSG and delighting in the crackling of the cellophane, the tintibullation of a tiny Asian orchestra.

While I waited for culinary intercourse to commence I watched the other glamorous denizens of the office strut their way to the urinal. A delicate ping announced the arrival of the main event. A gust of fragrant steam scalded my nose hairs, involuntarily my plastic fork finds its way to the slippery nest of noodles, there for sustenance.

Then I remember…I am on the South Beach diet. I tightened my belt another three notches and ruefully sucked on my little finger, while tipping the sinful carbs into the bin…Mr. Latte did mention I was getting a little less than perfectly svelte…”

You see, normal, nice, nice normal. Horribly misunderstood.

Posted by Amanda H. at 8:50 pm on 03.24.04

107: See? I told you all she was great.

Posted by THE REAL Amanda Apologist at 9:28 pm on 03.24.04

108: ET- You were hot, then you were cold. You were hip, then you were passe. You wrote about how to give a blowjob, then about how to fuck a dog. You pissed off a bunch of hobbit/elf lovers, and now, the hobbits have been surpassed. Congrats on breaking the century mark!

Posted by Uch at 9:35 pm on 03.24.04

109: I am going to blame Amanda Hesser when I can't get job in journalism because I don't write from a thesaurus. I thought adverbs were out, anyway.

Posted by deb at 10:27 pm on 03.24.04

110: "And in that fantasy, fat tapioca pearls loom large. They are simmered with Thai chilies, Sichuan peppercorns, cinnamon and chipotle, then paired with slivers of raw tuna..."

I still can't get past this image of Kurz back there in the kitchen, carefully counting out his tapioca pearls & tuna slivers one by one to make certain that they're all paired.

Posted by ghostrider at 10:28 pm on 03.24.04

111: I have to stop reading the comments at this point, partly because there are more than 100 at this point, and I'm not that bored, but mainly because I'm laughing too much out loud at a temp job where I have nothing to do and don't want to attract more attention to myself.

But I thought you'd appreciate this: a URL for that story that won't expire in NYT's paid archives in a few days:

http://www.nytimes.com/2004/03/24/dining/24REST.html?ex=1395550800&en=52688b1e63b4949c&ei=5007&partner=USERLAND

For future reference, you can always find these with the original URL by going to http://www.windbag.org/nytimes/

Posted by Rick Bruner at 11:53 pm on 03.24.04

112: What the fuck? So you're prententious enough not to go to some "foodie" resturaunt. Who cares? Don't diss on a fairly decent review just because someone likes something you don't aprove of.
Yu probably weat trucker hats, think of wearing leg warmers and marvel at your clever since of irony every morning.

Posted by quint at 12:14 am on 03.25.04

113: What the fuck? So you're prententious enough not to go to some "foodie" resturaunt. Who cares? Your hip enough to be above it all. And your point is...
You probably weat trucker hats, dream of wearing leg warmers and marvel at your clever since of irony every morning.

Posted by quint at 12:17 am on 03.25.04

114: Jesus. Can't an evil anonymous double poster get some friggin' rest around here?

Posted by Evil Anonymous Double Poster at 12:19 am on 03.25.04

115: ET doesn't wear hats. I don't remember how I know this.

She doesn't weat them either. It's against her religion.

Posted by Donatella at 1:47 am on 03.25.04

116: her clever sense of irony blossoms every morning with a solid tossing off to regis & kelly

Posted by OFOTC at 2:00 am on 03.25.04

117: She's never been known for her since of irony either.

Posted by Eurotrash's Pekinese Lover at 2:03 am on 03.25.04

118: This is the holy graal of comments! Pray it will never stop!

Posted by George III at 11:26 am on 03.25.04

119: I disagree. This is inappropriate use of the commenting facility.

Posted by Sir Tim Berners-Lee at 11:52 am on 03.25.04

120: 120th Post Wrap Up

Just to keep the comments up to date, herewith my core takeaways from 1-119:

1. Portobellos are a gateway drug
2. Amanda Hesser is either a very nice woman who writes horribly or a pretentious fool who writes horribly -- consensus has not been reached
3. Noone has yet mentioned this line: "It is fruity, nutty, cold and slushy, a wonderful mess of flavors, not unlike Lucky Charms." Why?
4. I'm still sort of traumatized by the USS Nimitz line back at post 30. I can't un-see that image.
5. If one can't afford a hardbound copy of Roget's, there are many online resources free for the taking.

Thank you. Carry on.

Posted by Vibrio at 1:17 pm on 03.25.04

121: A broth. You eat it with a spoon. There are some who call it.....soup.

Posted by sbp at 4:21 pm on 03.25.04

122: Please please pick up her book, "Cooking for Mr. Latte" and write a review. I'm begging you. The book is about how Amanda somehow manages to get past the fact that her future husband dared to order a latte during dinner.
After reading the book, I honestly don't think she's over it yet. Mr. Latte is Tad Friend, who wrote a semi-amusing book of essays called "Lost in Mongolia". Order some more lattes, Tad.

Posted by Mia at 5:19 pm on 03.27.04

123: Please please pick up her book, "Cooking for Mr. Latte" and write a review. I'm begging you. The book is about how Amanda somehow manages to get past the fact that her future husband dared to order a latte during dinner.
After reading the book, I honestly don't think she's over it yet. Mr. Latte is Tad Friend, who wrote a semi-amusing book of essays called "Lost in Mongolia". Order some more lattes, Tad.

Posted by Mia at 5:23 pm on 03.27.04

124: all this foaming at the mouth and no one has mentioned soon-to-be-assfucked AH's astounding omission of the actual chef who pretty much created the menu and most likely COOKED her damn meals, Gray Kuntz (Lespinasse), as well at the pastry chef who created the "lucky charms" she adored so much--Pichet Ong (also pastry chef at 66, JGV's disappointing attempt at Chinese). The review is just another opportunity for her to kiss JGV's ass... Has anyone seen what she wrote in Asiate review? ET? she basically trashes the place and ends by saying that she might go back for the view and the cheese puffs and then excuse herself to go across the street to Jean-Georges, where the mean "never disappoints." hmmm, I wonder who's going to co-write JGV's next cookbook, hmmm...... anyway, SO typical of NYT and NYC "restaurtant critics"--kissing up to the 6-10 same "celebrity" chefs, like nobody else can cook in this town. And how quickly was AAGill expunged from Vanity Fair? too accurate on 66 and Vegas, huh? must have been the comment on stupendously vast lard-asses that travest the casinos...
bad writer, AH, bad reviewer AND writer!

Posted by Dear Diary: Fuck you! at 11:37 pm on 03.28.04

125: the bestest NYT line ever: "He was the kind of person who would go to France, and take a picture of himself next to the Eiffel Tower." I guess they don't like those kinds of person, who I think are called people. By the way, I'm a Norwalk Trucker (that's our actual school mascot, the drill-team's called the Truckerettes) and wear trucker hats as an post-ironic comment on irony's demise and retro-return. ("You're so fired, you're hired!") I really can't imagine a more dreary sentence then being stuck in NY and trying to out-smart everyone and justify your grad school bills.

Posted by Douge at 3:31 pm on 03.31.04

126: From Page Six (oh, please. you know you read it.):

FOODIES were abuzz yesterday over the public spanking the Times administered to temporary restaurant critic Amanda Hesser. The "Editor's Note" on Page 2 was prompted by Hesser's rave last week for Spice Market, Jean-Georges Vongerichten's new Meatpacking District eatery with a menu supposedly inspired by the street vendors of Asia. Hesser - the only reviewer to award Spice Market three stars - "should have disclosed" previous associations with Vongerichten, who wrote a fawning jacket blurb for her book, "Cooking for Mr. Latte." Vongerichten gushed: "Amanda Hesser's charming personality shines as the reader experiences the life and loves of a New York City gourmet. 'Cooking for Mr. Latte' is perfectly seasoned with sensuality and superb recipes." The Times didn't mention that Hesser, in reviewing Asiate earlier this year, slipped in a plug for Vongerichten's flagship eatery, Jean-Georges. After bashing Asiate, Hesser praised the view from the Mandarin Oriental Hotel at the Time Warner Center. "The pressures of city life ease a little," she wrote. "And for that alone, I might order a glass of sake, stay for the gougeres, then feign illness and steal across Columbus Circle to Jean Georges for a meal that never disappoints."

Posted by Misha at 12:53 pm on 04.01.04

127: Apparently I'm a few weeks behind on the hot foodie backblogs...

But for what it's worth -- great post Eurotrash!

Posted by stereogum at 4:07 pm on 04.05.04

128: Sorry if you have seen this but i just had to add this even if it is way old at this point.
The encounter with Ms. Amanda Jones-ing for a Big Mac while reading George W's source of news information.

http://www.socialitelife.com/

Posted by msgreenjeans at 7:04 pm on 04.13.04

129: Could Ms Hesser enlighten us on the reservations policy at the Spice Market? The manager proclaims that only friends of Jean-George may have dinner between the hours of 8 and 9. 30 pm. Others must endure nursery tea-time or night-owl reservations after 10 o'clock. Clearly Ms Hesser must be a friend, and should not really be reviewing her pal's new restaurant.

Posted by Jamie at 1:10 pm on 04.23.04

130: who the hell is Kurt Vonnegut?

Posted by blah at 1:26 am on 05.05.04

131: Taken down by a true attorney.....or should I say JG's P/R director.

Posted by FOODSAGE7 at 1:38 am on 12.16.04

132: finally, now everyone.....................
"who the fuck cares about bombastic writing?"
amanda make your point , by the way i'm from nyc and yes, unfortunately the writers here are reallyTOO full of themselves.
lighten up nyc stiffers. loved your article i give it a 10+

Posted by refreshed at 6:23 am on 06.16.05