| [April 28 2004] |
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Putting the Gravy back in Gravitas.
As many of you will know, I have for some years published an annual exclusive register of the top 400 (give or take another 500 or so) social whirlygiggers of Manhattan.
This year, as we bow our heads before the carnage of Iraq, Afganistan and parts of Queens, it is time to reflect upon who we really are, what we really do and how much we really earn. All of us are victims of this cruel war waged by Hindu terrorists in Africa. Now, more than ever, we need to pull together for the sake of our society and ensure that our small yapping dogs have a future to look forward to.
To that end, I have made some changes to my exclusive register of the top 400 (give or take another 500 or so) social whirlygiggers of Manhattan.
Yes, there will always be a place on the list (and in my heart) for such dear friends as Mrs Muffy Bink Van der Gestunken, and her dear husband Spunky IV. And let us not forget our old friends Major General Chuck D Hindenfuhrer, and his charming wife Mrs Buffy Xenia-Warrior. Miss Marissa Corleone de Englehofferhauser y Dick-Vandyke, daughter of Princess Alonzo Chorizo de Shabu-Shabu, of Lower Ruritania, also retains her place by dint of her sparkling debut as a designer of haute couture diamond-encrusted platinum gardening implements.
But in these troubled times of famine and despair, we need to do more to ensure the safety of our children and through them, even their Bulgarian nannies. As I remarked to my dear friend and Secretary of the UN, Sir Boutrous Ghali de Ghali y Ghali, and his charming wife Mrs Kofi Annan - over cocktails at the exclusive and glittering party of my close friend and biological philanthropist Mimi Zonderveyer Von Vonderichten II - the ability to wear Lily Pulitzer is simply not enough when the known world is at the mercy of knife-wielding Zoroastrians intent on the destruction of western civilisation.
His eminence, Lord Boutrous and I bent our heads together and arrived at the only solution which can save us. More gravitas in this heady social whirl.
To that end, I am pleased to announce some new additions to my exclusive register of the top 400 (give or take another 500 or so) social whirlygiggers of Manhattan, for this year, and our upcoming charity season. Although these newcomers may appear ugly and badly dressed initially, I hope you will appreciate the finer qualities beneath those ugly fingernails and cheaply cut hair.
- The Rotting Corpse of Mother Teresa.
We are in the process of disinterring my dear friend Mother Van Der Teresa and giving her a thorough make-over (clothes by Countess Portia Mercedes-Benz, hair by Lady Squiggy Bristol-Cream, exclusive stylist to one half of the pubic region of Miss Jennifer Lopez) to ensure her comfort as host and MC at the charity Roast featuring dear Micky Gorbachev Jr in July.
- Lady Amanda Hesser-Gate, who has campaigned tirelessly for the provision of "spoons" to the homeless of Ethiopia.
Lady Amanda, along with her good friend Baroness Wendy de Burger will be hosting a Millionaires' Charity Chow-Down in June, featuring her signature dishes of cheese and pineapple chunks, and barbequed chicken wings. To commerate the occasion, Miss Marissa Corleone de Englehofferhauser y Dick-Vandyke has designed a diamond-encrused platinum "soup" "spoon", which will be auctioned off to raise money for starving Afganistan dogs.
- Mr Gaston Nkomo, hairdresser to Lord Nelson Mandela of Congo.
Mr Nkomo will be giving a lecture entitled "Grooming Under Stress" followed by a pot-luck supper at the Rainbow Room in August. Mr Nkomo will be bringing along hair-clippings from luminaries he has met around the world, including Lord Mandela, His Serene Holiness, the Pope and Mr Vladimir Putin.
- Former Secretary of State and sparkling mass murderer Lord Henry Kissinger.
Lord Kissinger is guest of honour at our "Cultures Around The World" gala ball and tasting menu. Regional culinary delights featured will include Blood Orange Bombe (Cambodia) and Duck a la Agent Orange (Vietnam).
- A Fragment of the One True Cross.
A Fragment of the One True Cross will be attending all our events this year in its capacity as treasurer of the Paris Hilton Hospice for Diseased It Girls appeal - our dedicated charity for 2004. In the spirit of equality, I am also hoping to obtain a toenail of the late Ayatollah Khomeni, the hair of a deceased Brahmin and the mummified pituitary gland of Bhudda, to be on display at the same time. If I've missed any religions of colour out, please let me know.
Posted by eurotrash at 1:21 pm |
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[Comments count: 24] |
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1: I'm dizzy.
Where's Rudolph Hess?
Posted by Jellyguy at 1:35 pm on 04.28.04 |
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2: Well, no addition can fail to raise the tone of a list that still includes Taki... But having the Ayatollah but noone from the Sunnis might lead to trouble. And surely you need one of they American televangelist types, in the interests of balance.
Shurely Rudolph Hess is in Argentina, impersonating Hitler?
Posted by Liadnan at 1:39 pm on 04.28.04 |
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3: Rudolph Hess is in Bariloche, Argentina impersonating Hitler with Courtney Love who is impersonating Madonna impersonating a schizophrenic sexpot who thinks she's Evita and Eva Braun. They (Hess/Love) take turns defecating on each other in cling-wrap while Songs of the Holocaust play in the background on an old record player.
Posted by krucoff at 1:50 pm on 04.28.04 |
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4: What Krucoff said. Just shorter.
Posted by Henry Kissinger at 1:56 pm on 04.28.04 |
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5: Don't you mean the "Cultures Around the World" Gala Ball and Christmas Fete? After a dessert of "Paris Surprise," "Dr" Kissinger and his guests cross arms with their traditional napalm-scented Christmas crackers.
Posted by Oudemia at 2:01 pm on 04.28.04 |
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6: Number of Binkys on that list: 1
Muffy: 1
Missy: 1
Kitty: 5
Coco: 2
Gigi: 2
Mimi: 4
Cece: 1
Chappy: 1
Topsy: 1
Wiggie: 1
Didi: 1
Sassy: 1
Donatallo: ZERO
Posted by Donatella at 2:02 pm on 04.28.04 |
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7: What about the queen of transportation herself? Lizzie "leadfoot, where's the brake you white trash ****" Grubman, she has done so much for the poor destitutes of the far flung regions of Long Island, she should be recognised, plus she selflessly teaches lesser peons the art of success in PR...e.g Lesson 1, have a father in PR...
Posted by at 2:14 pm on 04.28.04 |
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8: ...and where's that great Dutch transportation tycoon, Hertz Von Rentle?
Posted by at 2:17 pm on 04.28.04 |
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9: Is this going to turn into a game of "Late Arrivals at the Awf'lly Rich People's Ball" or something...?
Anyway, I thought Lauren Bacall was dead (which would actually be a shame). But then, maybe lots of people on the list *are* dead, its just no one's dared to tell them yet.
Posted by Liadnan at 2:23 pm on 04.28.04 |
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10: Hard to say, really, as you don't actually have to be dead to be embalmed, in New York.
Posted by Eurotrash at 2:29 pm on 04.28.04 |
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11: Ah America, land of the free.
Posted by Liadnan at 2:54 pm on 04.28.04 |
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12: Your parody skills are rivaled only by the great chefs of Japan.
Posted by sac at 3:45 pm on 04.28.04 |
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13: And her cooking skills are rivaled only by the parodists of Sacramento.
Posted by krucoff at 3:56 pm on 04.28.04 |
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14: What krucoff said. Only funny.
Posted by sac at 4:03 pm on 04.28.04 |
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15: Heh.
Posted by Eurotrash at 4:25 pm on 04.28.04 |
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16: I am afraid i will be unable to attend, as the actual shape of the table has not been agreed to by any of the parties involved in negotiations.
Posted by Henry Kissenger, Ph.D at 4:49 pm on 04.28.04 |
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17: failed to impress sac, huh?
Posted by Krucoff's Inside Joker at 4:53 pm on 04.28.04 |
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18: "The Ability to Wear Lily Pulitzer" ?
More of an affliction, I'd say...
Posted by sean at 6:13 pm on 04.28.04 |
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19: Calling a Tai Chi Master from Sacramento a parodist is like urinating on the kimono of a samurai.
Posted by Jellyguy at 6:41 pm on 04.28.04 |
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20: Do you even know 400 people?
not to be a skeptic or anything. let me know how the makeover goes with Ms. Theresa
Posted by Jon at 11:02 pm on 04.28.04 |
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21: I wore Lily Pulitzer once, after she'd had 8 cocktails on an empty stomach. The horror.
Posted by Anna Wintour at 3:52 am on 04.29.04 |
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22: what is this list? and why did i click on it three times?
i echo the sentiment at the top of these comments: i'm dizzy.
must find myself a stiff drink.
Posted by j-a at 4:50 am on 04.29.04 |
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23: clearly, et is unable to procure for herself the mood- and mind-altering pharmaceutical cocktail she requires to be "funny" on a daily basis. especially not when she is trapped on some backwards little island stuck somewhere in the middle of the atlantic. thank the one true cross (that's the one sarah michelle gellar wears in "cruel intentions", right?) that she has made her way back across the wide, troubled sea to the welcoming, magnifico bosom of america and the welcoming, scabby arms of her dealer.
ps don't leave the country again without settling up with me first. you didn't think that bloke in the pub threw a pint of ale at your face just because you looked at him funny, did you? you didn't think your saffron-infused truffled curry lentil dish being overdone was a coincidence, did you? don't make this love tear us apart, et.
Posted by your dealer at 11:17 am on 04.29.04 |
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24: I demand a separate list for us anti-social whirlygiggers!
No Justice! No Peace! No Crackers! No Cheese!
Posted by jonmc at 2:07 am on 05.03.04 |
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